


Blowhard on the Beach

by kurage_hime



Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, Newspaper Article, POV Outsider, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-14 10:46:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16038908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurage_hime/pseuds/kurage_hime
Summary: Blowsy Beach, NK (AP) — It may be July at the Joisey Shore, but despite Mayor Chris Whitlessman’s repeated assurances, some beachgoers are afraid to go near the water.





	Blowhard on the Beach

**Author's Note:**

  * For [syrupwit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/syrupwit/gifts).



**BREAKING NEWS ALERT: Mysterious creature sighted near Blowsy Beach, scientists baffled, mayor refuses to close beach to public**

by CALI SCOOP

Blowsy Beach, NK (AP) — It may be July at the Joisey Shore, but despite Mayor Chris Whitlessman’s repeated assurances, some beach goers are afraid to go near the water.

“That blowhard really ought to be closing the beach! It’s irresponsible!” declared one vacationer, who declined to be identified.

In June, at the start of the summer high season, a mysterious creature was spotted repeatedly near Blowsy Beach. Its species has not yet been identified, but some are already calling it a sea monster.

“It looks like, whatchamacallit, a plesiosaur? Scaly, long neck, big teeth. You know the drill. Hollywood-style sea monster, or something from a Jurassic Park movie,” reported José Noh Wei, a college student who claims to have seen the creature on numerous occasions. Noh Wei’s eyewitness account is typical. When asked if he would want to swim at Blowsy Beach, Noh Wei said, emphatically, “No way!”

Amateur video footage of what is alleged to be the creature attempting to eat a sailboat and its three passengers has gone viral on YouTube, with over 20 million views to date.

Oxbridge University marine zoologist Professor Liza Smart has viewed the footage and is skeptical. In a telephone interview, she said, “It could be a hoax. Actually, it’s probably a hoax. Plesiosaurs are well and truly extinct, and it’s impossible to imagine an animal of comparable size still unknown to science on such a densely populated stretch of North American coastline.”

Nevertheless, the mood is uneasy, and beach goers are scared. The “Dear Mayor Whitlessman: Close Blowsy Beach!” online petition has garnered 34,998 signatures as of the writing of this news article.

Confronted by this barrage of public criticism, Whitlessman remains unconcerned. “I’ve closed the beach for jellyfish. I’ve closed the beach for sharks. But I refuse to close the beach for sea monsters! Sea monsters! Really?! Puh-leeze! People are just being ridiculous. They should stop worrying and enjoy their summer,” he said.

Whitlessman has announced that he is planning to go into the water for a swim the day after tomorrow. The press have been invited to document the event.


End file.
